Why God?

April 24, 2012 at 3:40 pm (Spirituality)
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Today I’m writing about myself.  That is nothing new.  But today is different.  Sometimes I write to work things out in my head.  I try to never ask questions that I don’t have an answer for (right or wrong).  I have been working on a single question for months without a solution.  I am not really expecting to find one in this Blog.    My question: WHY GOD?

I have made awful choices and been way off track in my life.  The last four years have been different.  I have dedicated myself to be God’s servant.  I am at least trying.  God has provided me abundant grace.  I have a place to live, plenty to eat, clothes to wear, and really don’t lack for anything.  I even am even blessed to have a job that I really like it as well.  I have good friends- make that great friends.  I have parents and brothers and kids that loves me. God has been good to me.  But I still ask, “Why God?”

Why God?  Every week in jail I talk about your grace.  The special grace in providing us kids.  Why do you take them away Lord?  I miss Michael as much as I did when he died seven years ago.  I find it hard to believe that any child needs to die.  I saw a commercial for Akron Children’s Hospital- they are currently treating over 200 kids with cancer.  Summit County (Akron, Ohio) averages over one child homicide a month.  If you are teaching us can’t you do it without the little ones suffering?

Why God?  There are areas where you seem to ignore me God?  You slowed my head mentally five years ago as diabetes and adrenal insufficiency slowed my body.  You ask me to do your work every day.  I do as a grateful humble servant.  But can’t you let me talk to the kids without worrying if my brain can even find the words I need.  I keep writing these Blogs to spread your word.  Why do they need to take twice as long as a year ago to write?

Why God?  I know you have my back.  I know you love me.  But every night I go to bed alone.  I have prayed for a mate for a long time.  Lord you know I pray for almost nothing for myself.  Ok, I do ask for wisdom quite often (something that doesn’t come naturally to me).  In 1 Corinthians 7:8 Paul says “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.   But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”  God all I can say is I’m burning with passion- not in the conjugal sense.  But I am burning to come home and have a conversation with someone other than my dog.  I’d also like to wake up without my partner licking my face (Yes once again I’m talking about you Ryelee the Wonderdog!)  What else do I need to do?

Now before I get emails (no one ever post comments when they are trying to help me), here me out.  Yes I have read the end of Job…we aren’t supposed to get everything.  And God doesn’t owe telling us everything.  Yes I know God does things in His time (Psalm 31:14-15.)  And trust me, I’d win a lot of contests which involve patience.  And yes I know trials make us stronger… look at Joseph (Jacobs son).  Personally Lord, between my screw ups and your trials I feel like I’ve had enough of those kinds of lessons.

There is currently a disconnect between what I know to be true and what I feel.  And yes, I know to pray for help with that.  What I do know is God only speaks the truth.  So with pain I will follow.  I will trust- that is faith.  And I will keep doing God’s work- that is the definition of obedience.  And while I find God’s love (which never went anywhere), I’ll stay close to those loving God.  They hold the end of the rainbow that I’ll find again.

God Bless,

Mark

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Who Heals the Healer?

November 8, 2011 at 12:17 am (Spirituality)
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Ed. Note: The stories are all true, the names and events have been changed to protect the privacy of those enduring these tragedies.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

 I have a lot of admiration for my pastor, Dr. Swoope.  This Sunday I wanted to hold her in my arms and tell her it would be Ok, even though I knew that wasn’t the truth.   A young man Dr. Swoope had known since he was a boy died in the car accident at the age of 26.  I left out the young man’s name out of respect for his family, but I’m sure they would appreciate your prayers.  But back to Dr. Swoope, actually that is my main point in this Blog.  I learned over the years that there are some jobs that keep taking away of your heart.  Ministry is one of them. So is being a Family Doc.

 “Her name was Jill.  She was Susan’s 5th baby, and at 8 plus pounds she came into this world quite beautifully at halftime of a Browns-Steelers game (At Mom’s insistence.)  Eight hours later Jill turned blue as her fragile little heart gave out.  Two weeks later she was buried.”

If you are doing your job correctly as a pastor (or doctor), you get to bask in the glories of the families around you.   But you also feel their pain… intimately.  When thing are going well, you get to hear about it, well sometimes anyhow.  When things go wrong, you hear about it in the middle of the night. 

“Kyra broke down in tears during prayer request.  Her grandma was getting really sick with cancer.  The problem is Kyra’s parents were living on the streets, slaves to crack.  If Kyra’s mom died where would she go?  Kyra’s plea was for God to heal her Grandma. She asked her youth pastor for help.”

The pleas from the families are not only heart wrenching, but heart stealing.  And that’s OK.  For that is the true job description, to give little pieces of yourself to others.  But all of the pains, the losses change the nurturer forever.  As I recall these stories darkness comes over me and tears well up in my eyes.

“Tommy was twenty two years old.  He was admitted to the hospital for dehydration and diarrhea.  The weird thing was that he had a bizarre pneumonia as well.  I told Tommy he had AIDS as he held his mother’s hand.”

Families do occasionally send pastors and doctors thank you cards; but it is truly the family who gets to claim the loss publically.  The pastor and doc weep quietly.  God understands, but few others understand this silent grief.

“George was thirty six.  He had aspirated on his own vomit after overdosing on oxycotin he had gotten from pill pushing doctor.  I had never met him but knew his family forever.  His family asked me to take care of him in the hospital.  George never did wake up, he was brain dead from being deprived from oxygen too long.  There were no words to be found as George’s family watched me turn off the respirator, ending his life.”

Pastors are leaving the clergy at record rates.  Doctors have very high rates of suicides.  So what do we do?  I am the position of seeing things from both sides.    I was a family doc, but now I see things from the point of view of a parishioner who does some ministry work.  Maybe there are some things we can do.

“The kids came to the pastor.  Dad had died, couldn’t pastor help with the funeral.  Couldn’t the pastor eulogize their Dad?  Dad wasn’t a bad guy; he actually did a lot of good things.  But no, Christ wasn’t ever a part of Dad’s life.”

We need to show support for our Pastors.  All of the caregivers in our lives have very difficult jobs.  We need to tell them that we love them.  When a family goes through tragedy we need to remember to pray for our clergy as well.  They will need God’s strength to heal as well.  We need to work hard at not overburdening these special people.  Yes they will lose pieces of their heart, but if we don’t tax them unnecessarily we can help them heal.  Also our healer’s need to turn their burdens to God, who is the only one who can truly lighten our burdens.  That is something I have very slowly begun to take heed of personally. 

SO TODAY AND EVERYDAY DR. SWOOPE, GOD BLESS YOU.  Oh, and lots of hugs as well.

God Bless,

Mark

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Just Breathe

October 18, 2011 at 4:28 pm (docmark's philosophy, Spirituality, youth)
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“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Michael

Life sometimes sits on your chest, making it hard to even breathe.  I had one of those moments over the weekend.  My daughter Mikayla, who sings beautifully, was singing for me.  She does this often, but this time we sung a version of “Over the Rainbow” by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole.  It was the version that played at our son Michael’s funeral.  Now I’ve sung that song by myself, alone, for 6 years now.  Normally joyous memories of Michael fill my heart as I sing.  But something about my daughter’s singing brought back tough memories.  I literally couldn’t breathe.

So how do you get the air back in the room when life sucks it all out?  Should we walk around with oxygen tanks filled with happy gas for emergency occasions? I’ve gone to a funny movie when I’m so sad and upset I just wanted to scream.  I left the movie still wanting to hit something.    Do we shrug our shoulders and learn to toughen up? I’ve told myself to just get over it.  I even was dumb enough to tell Michael’s mom that.  It took me forever to realize it just doesn’t work that way.  Should we find the most remote corner in our world and just curl up in it?  I spent the better part of three years curled up trying to comfort myself.  Somehow when your laying in that dark place you just keep looking for answers.  Unfortunately the answers never show up- just more questions.

I have come to realize that the wounds inflicted on us in life change us forever.  I think it is naïve to believe tough events we suffer through are purely for our betterment.  I find it hard to believe that when God restored Job a part of Job still didn’t mourn the loss of his family.   Someone once said that our wounds heal but the scars remain forever.  I also do believe that through suffering we can have a spiritual growth that is beneficial.  A friend who lost her husband a year ago took over his Bible study after he passed.  It was something she was reluctant to try.  But a year later the class is bigger and better than ever.  And partially through her husband’s death she has become a teacher.

I also believe that we can’t let those tough times rob us of our precious memories.  I mentioned I sing that song from Michael’s funeral all the time.  The beauty of his life was provided by God and not meant to be replaced purely by sorrow.  There are lessons he taught that are too great to forget.  I brought him in to a group of high school students once.  The deaf, autistic, handicapped 10 year old was teaching the signing alphabet so quickly none of the kids could keep up.  It still makes me realize we all need to be heard and that we can all learn from everyone.  My son made me an advocate and protector for disabled people… something I still do to this day.  There are so many other lessons from Michael they surely could fill a book.

One of those great memories... Michael passed two weeks later.

So what do you do when that bad junk is suffocating you?  I put mine bad things in an imaginary box.  Then I sit, stand or jump on it to keep it closed.  That takes practice.  I try and remember the power of God to close that box as well.  I try and remember sometimes that it is difficult to shut for a reason.  Maybe I was being told by the Lord to pay more attention to my kids on earth.  I already know how precious and tenuous life is.  Maybe God wanted it open so I let my emotions out a little.  Anyhow, when the box won’t shut I think that’s God’s thing too.  For those of you freshly going through bad moments there is good and bad news.  The bad news?  When that imaginary box is open it still hurts like your loss was yesterday.  The good news?  The box opens much less frequently and is easier to close.  And when that box closes, let the awesome memories roll.

Lord, today I pray for peace.

Peace from the tragedies we endure.

Let our wounds heal,

may the scars become part of your armor Lord.

Teach us in these moments Lord,

So we may gain wisdom out of pain.

Don’t let us forget our past Lord;

let us bask in a river of memories.

And lastly thank you for your grace Lord,

You were always there never letting go of us.

 

God Bless,

Mark

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Just Stop!

August 8, 2011 at 8:02 pm (commentary, docmark's philosophy, Spirituality)
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Carmella Holley

Ed. Note:  I don’t normally write about the news of the day.  I also on’t jump on stories just because they are big.  I’m writing this Blog because my heart is heavy, and writing helps me heal.  Thanks for allowing me the privilege of expressing my feelings.

But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.  Matthew 5:39

“If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea…” Matthew 18:6

Have you ever heard of Carmella Holley?  She was an 11 year old Akron girl who was shot and died from a single stray bullet in gun fight in Akron.  This happened on 8/3, less than a week ago.  Sunday we prayed for her and her family and friends at church.  Our pastor, Dr. Swoope, talked about the danger of guns and the biggest problem, the idiots that use them [lots of paraphrasing by me].  Less than thirty minutes later, tragedy struck again.  An angry man shot his girlfriend (in intensive care) and killed six others in Copley, Ohio (Adjacent to Akron).  Two teens just happened to be sitting in a car after a sleepover at Grandma and Grandpas. The teens were shot to death, along with their grandparents, for being at the wrong place at the wrong time.  Another boy, age 11, and his dad, were shot because they were the brother and nephew of the shooter’s girlfriend.

… One of Carmella’s shooters (I’m not a fan of the word allegedly) has been caught, the other is still at large.  Yet little is being said on the news about the man at large.  Between the multiple shootings in Copley and Anthony Sowell taking the stand today in the death penalty phase of his trial there just isn’t room.  How wrong is it that there is so much tragedy that finding an at large killer of an innocent 11 year old girl comes in third.

… When did shooting become part of conflict resolution?  When I was young we fought with our fists. I volunteered at a camp this summer held at a school with metal detectors meant to keep guns and knives out of school.  And in on local high school a state champion swimmer brought an automatic weapon to school but received no jail time as he left it in the trunk of his car.  How did we get from fist fights to Uzis? Can we ever go back?

… Last night my daughter and I went to dinner after seeing the news of the Copley shootings.  The guy in front of us ordered 150 hamburgers.  I was very irritated that he hadn’t called ahead…that is until he turned around.  He was a Red Cross worker bringing sandwiches to law officers and families at the crime sight.  I felt humbled instantly.  How quickly we forget the pain of others.  And how small our problems really are compared to those others face.

… We recurrently hear that a lot of these shootings involve someone with mental health difficulties.  As a person who has suffered with mental health issues (Thankfully very under control!), I can tell you that the system is broken.  Burgeoning numbers of patients, partially fueled by the economic turn down, and decreasing funding plagues the system.  If you can’t jump through the hoops, you will never get care.  Have you ever tried to jump through those hoops when you depressed, hearing voices, or even paranoid.  I have, and it’s incredibly hard.  This is complicated by the interface between the legal and mental health systems, which is non-existent in most counties and states.  Minor infractions often get the mentally ill in the legal system, and offenses worsen and get more frequent as mental health care is very hard to deliver in jails and prisons.  And arrangements for care after incarceration are minimal at best.  The solution to these problems is also a solution to many of these tragedies.

…Michelle (my ex) and I have lost a son way too early.  Michael died at the age of 13.  I want to let the families know that that in some ways the pain never leaves.  But eventually you can put the pain in a box that you shut real tight. And when that box is shut, the opportunity for good memories becomes available- when you are ready for them.    

… Finally, if in doubt pray.

Father, thank you for our blessings.  Please comfort the many families who have experienced tragic loss of loved ones.  Let them heal.  And even though there will be scars, let them be patches to a new live where we grow even from our deepest tragedies.  Protect our children that have left this world way too early.  Bless the families as they move forward, it is so easy to stay stuck in the same place.  And let us gain wisdom and peaceful nature to conflict resolution, because our children are way too precious to have even one lose a drop of blood again.  Amen

God Bless,

Mark

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